PHP?

<?php
// This function analyzes how well koji programs
// with any given mood & other factors for the
// day. Quite useful.
function koji_coding_in_php()
{
  global $me, $got_morale_support;
  if ($me == "feeling like PHP")
  {
    if ($me == "awake")
    {
      be_productive();
      return ("successful");
    }
    else
    {
      try_to_be_productive();
      if ($me == "happy")
      {
        return ("successful");
      }
      else
      {
        return ("miserably failed");
      }
    }
  }
  else
  {
    if ($got_morale_support == "true")
    {
      return ("half-ass success");
    }
    else
    {
      return ("shit-face failed");
    }
  }
} // end function
?>

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